Connection

Yesterday, I was talking with someone about how we sometimes smile but don't feel it.  I'm sure there can be a number of reasons.  Sometimes the act of smiling can make us feel better.  Sometimes we hide behind smiles.  I've decided most people experience a lot more suffering than we realize.  In this, we have more in common than we know.  We hide the shame and the problems and the pain because we're afraid people won't get it or don't want to get it or it's just not very uplifting.  It can be hard to empathize.

I've learned that to truly connect with people, we need to let ourselves be vulnerable.  I've learned it, but I'm not at all good at it.  Being vulnerable is being authentic, honest, and open.  That is often socially unacceptable.  Instead, it's easier to close up or close down which ultimately separates people. After a while, the pain of solitude grows too great.  We want connection, so we try to open up again.  

Yesterday, I discovered an expert, a researcher, Brene Brown.  I don't know everything she advocates, so I don't know how much I agree with her, but I just put her book on hold at the library.  Here are some video clips of her that are very interesting.  Brown spent years interviewing people about shame, vulnerability, and empathy.  She puts shame at one end of a spectrum opposite from empathy at the other end.  She says as you go along the line, where there are vulnerable feelings and shame you find disconnection in people.  Where there are vulnerable feelings and empathy you find connection between people.  What I've read and heard of her theories, which she's reached after years of research, is enlightening and helpful.  She says shame is destructive.  Shaming people makes people feel like they can't change.  That's when you tell people they are "bad" instead of telling them they did a bad thing. She talks about "shame resiliency" and how to overcome shame, be vulnerable, and find connection.  It's all very interesting.

Years ago, President Benson, a prophet, shared ideas that relate in this talk.  Instead of using the word "shame," he used the word "pride."  If you were to find other similarities between his words and Brown's, you could use the word "charity" on the other end of the line instead of "empathy."  Perhaps the word "humility" could be another word for "vulnerability," though as it approaches "shame" it would probably change to despair or hopelessness.  The prophet knew what he was talking about.

Once again, it's just a matter of figuring out how to live what I know.  I want to connect with people.