Beauty Here

Exciting possibilities are coming our way, so it's difficult to live in the present.  I took a bike ride.  I had to look for the beauty.  I had to stop, get off my bike, and walk around or I would have ridden right past and missed it all. 

I saw the wild roses first. 

I got closer.

Then flowers started popping out.

We live in a beautiful world.

Elder and Sister Grandparent Presents

We miss their presence.  And we like their presents.  These conch shells and brain coral are from a beach in St. Croix.  They came with sand too.  What a fun surprise for my son's eighth birthday. 

Another Long Ride

What do you call a very tall dandelion?  A dandestanding?
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I saw many many of these dandestandings on my bike ride today.  They remind me of periwinkle flowers how the stems are tall and wiry and mostly grow by the side of roads.  The orange lilies are everywhere too.

It rained hard in the middle of the night.  I had to watch out for the wild dead and puddles.  Frogs get unlucky sometimes and get washed up on the road.  Birds were on the move.  I saw canaries, wrens, robins, and swans.  Yes, the swans are back. 

It was very humid and windy.  Do headwinds really make you stronger or do they just wear you down?  I've been feeling a little worn.

I love riding my bike.

Perceptions

"Mommy, that's Mariel's mommy," said a little girl as they walked past our house. 

My back was to them.  I was crouched on the driveway next to our garage door taking pictures because I thought the light was better outside.   The mom and daughter probably wondered what I was doing.  I'm sure I looked strange.  

Mariel and I bought these flowers for my graduating daughter.  She wanted me to buy all white.  I wanted the pink too.  She thought the pink looked like they were dying.  The buds looked a little shriveled.  Now that they've opened up, they're much prettier.  It's easy to look at something and make a judgement before it has a chance to show its full potential.

Class of 2010

I love having older and younger children.  It's fun seeing them help each other. 

We went to my second oldest's graduation today.  

Afterwards, we went to lunch.  I like the bright orange happy dress she chose to wear.  We all had a good time.

Pierced

Thats me on the right, my youngest daughter on the left.  Yes, I am a little old to have just gotten my ears pierced for the first time.  I'm really good at talking myself out of things, especially if there's pain or money involved.  I'm trying not to let fear stop me from doing things I really want to do. 

My oldest two daughters, who have both been pierced for years, came for emotional support.  Or did they come for the ice cream?  Either way, it was a fun female-boding experience.

Regaining and Relosing

Last June, after a year of hard work, I reached my goal of losing fifty pounds.  I've gained back half of them, but I've also gained a new perspective.  So now, I want to lose them again in a healthier way.  I'm a reloser.  But I'm also a regainer-- trying to regain healthy habits.

Today, I hopped on the treadmill after a two-and-a-half month absence.  I didn't mean to be gone that long, but I was sick for a month.  It's so easy to lose good habits.  Sadly, the "calorie destroyer" program from December 2008 Family Circle Magazine that I have taped to my treadmill was really difficult this morning.  A few months ago, it was easy.  I'd have to do it for sixty minutes instead of thirty just to feel like I had a good workout.  Today, thirty minutes was plenty.  The program alternates between going fast on a low incline and slower with increased incline.  Of course, walking outside is more pleasant, but it's been raining a lot lately.  I've also been staying up too late to wake up early enough to walk. 

I also went on a half-hour slow bike ride with my son this morning.  (The picture of him was actually taken last year.)  We also did some good walking around stores.  Exercising for 1 1/2 hours a day six days a week is great for us relosers. 

I've also been reading LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program Guide.  There's a pdf of it here.  You can also order a hard copy of it from the church catalog.  Even though it's meant for people with more serious addictions, it's really helpful to me as a reloser.

Volunteers and Slugs

I just visited my little garden and found a slug eating one of the volunteer marigolds.  Then I found several other slugs on one of my tiny zucchini plants.  We had flying slugs in our backyard this evening.  I flung them as far from the garden as possible, but I'm sure there are more.  I hear they like drowning their sorrows in beer.  Anybody want to buy me a bottle?

I don't want to poison my yard with herbicides and pesticides.  Flowering weeds and poisonous berries are welcome here.  But not slugs.

Lightning

The wind was blowing, the rain was pouring, and lightning cracked the sky.  That's when my 20-year-old daughter informed me she was taking my eight-year-old son to the library.

"Watch out for lightning," I said. 

She laughed. 

I was serious.

"How am I going to do that?" she said.

That's when I realized how ridiculous I am.  But "watching out for lightning" is exactly what I would have done if I'd taken my sweet boy out in weather like that.

How would I watch for lightning?

When I was somewhere between the ages of nine and twelve, my parents took us to Chicago.  I don't remember why we were there.  I do remember being outside of a big art museum. It was raining, lightning, and thundering.  We had to walk down the street to our car.  My dad told me and my siblings, "If you feel the hair on your head or on your arms rise, immediately lie down on the sidewalk."  I felt like I was practically crouch-walking all the way to the car.  Every second, I thought I might be feeling the hair on my arms rise.  I watched my dad closely to see if his hair was rising or if he was on his way down to the sidewalk.  I was prepared to dive down after him. 

Ever since then, whenever I'm outside during a big lightning storm, I think about that experience.  Isn't it ridiculous?  What are my chances of getting hit by lightning?  Is there a possibility that I could hit the ground on time to avoid a lightning strike if one was determined to come for me?  Perhaps if I was on top of a bald mountain it would make a difference, but in the middle of a big city?  I doubt it.

I have lived too much of my life as if I was metaphorically walking through a lightning storm.  There is much to fear in this world.  It's important to be appropriately cautious and prepared to take wise action.  At the same time, we can go too far.  I am tired of crouch-walking through life.

Wind

It's interesting the difference wind makes on water. 

Our lake is never still and glassy like the Great Salt Lake. Sometimes we have low waves because of jet skis and motorboats.  Sometimes the waves are wind-made.  I like how they remind me of bigger waves.  There's supposed to be a storm coming this afternoon.

I went on a short bike ride this morning.  I was up in the middle of the night cleaning up an explosion from my daughter's stomach, so I'm tired today.  An hour in the wind would have been too much. 

 

I like how the beach looks all combed and ready for the day.  It makes me think of mowed lawns and vacuumed carpets. 

Why do easterners "bathe" instead of "swim?"  At least it explains why they say "bathing suit."  I've been here for five years.  I wonder if I'll ever feel "from" here. 

Making it a Good One

My youngest child is eight today.  I am tempted to feel old. 

I want to look back and feel glad about the things I did today.  This morning I woke up feeling regrets.  Then I realized, I don't have to live like that.  Today I'm going to live so that tomorrow I can wake up feeling happy about yesterday's choices. 

Happy Father's Day!

This is my dad. I love him. Right now he's on the island of St. Croix serving as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with my mom as his companion. They're serving a mission in paradise which turns out to be a blessing and a challenge. I admire my dad in so many ways: he's intelligent, a gentleman, has a great sense of humor, and he's sensitive to people's feelings. Happy Father's Day Dad!

Remembering: Night and Day

"I do not boast in my own strength, nor in my own wisdom; but behold, my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (Alma 26:11-12).

The Gnome is Back

The gnome was gone all winter and I was gone all spring.  It was nice to see him again.  I took a long bike ride which I haven't done since before I was sick.  All the kids will be out of school after the middle of next week, so I seized the opportunity.

I agree with the older gentleman on Muskrat Bay Road who greeted me and said, "It's a beautiful day for a ride."

Bringing the Outside In

I picked the daisies from someone's front lawn during our walk this morning.  The people must be out of town and their lawn has gone wild.  The daisies looked lonely in a tiny vase, so I looked in the backyard and saw an abundance of the light-purplish-pinky flowers and thought they'd look nice with daisies.  When I was out picking handfuls of those, I saw the hot pick ones behind my neighbor's fence.  Nobody would see them there, so I felt no guilt as I picked some.  I looked for more flowers and found the darker purple ones.  I would have never seen them if I hadn't been looking. 

My youngest daughter has opinions.  And she's not afraid to share them.  "I don't think you should pick flowers," she said.  "If you do, other people won't be able to see them."

That is possible.  I agreed that it's better not to pick some flowers, especially if you are in a national park or someone else's yard.  I explained that usually in the wild, if there are ten flowers, you can pick one.  I explained there are a lot of flowers in our backyard and nobody would have seen the hot pink ones unless I brought them inside. 

My neighbor's ex-wife threw a bunch of flower seeds on the other side of our drainage ditch before they built their fence.  That was about five years ago.  I'm a little sad that she never got to see the results, but I'm thankful she tossed them there.

Learning, Becoming, Being

My second-oldest daughter is a very good pianist and flutist.  She has accompanied choirs and has confidently played solos in front of auditoriums full of people.  My oldest daughter said the other day, "She doesn't remember how bad she used to be."  It's true, she wasn't born knowing how to play instruments.  In fact, as far as "natural" talent goes, my oldest (who does not play the piano publicly) was possibly born with more.  With continual practice and ongoing lessons, my second eventually surpassed her on the piano.  When we could no longer afford to pay for lessons, she used babysitting money and did odd jobs to pay for both piano and flute lessons.  I never had to remind her to practice. 

I asked her, "How did you do it?  How did you keep from giving up?" 

"I knew it would take a long time to learn," she said. 

And she was okay with that.  She was patient with herself.  She knew it would be an ongoing process. 

I asked, "Where or how did you learn that?" 

"Music classes, I guess."  She started playing flute in seventh grade.  Her teachers must have encouraged her and helped her be patient with herself.

I was surprised when she told me, "I know successful musicians who are never satisfied with their performances.  There's always room for improvement.  I'm still learning." 

I was surprised that she doesn't feel done.  She doesn't seem hard on herself.  I guess there is such a thing as healthy dissatisfaction.  She acknowledges that she still has things to learn.  Her focus wasn't on "I'm going to learn to play the flute and piano,"  because if it was, she achieved that years ago and could quit.  Her focus has been on learning and becoming a better piano player and flute player.  Now my daughter is teaching herself how to play the guitar.  Eventually, she wants to be a music therapist.  I am confident she'll achieve whatever she sets her mind to doing.

I've been thinking a lot about learning and becoming rather than focusing on getting or achieving.  There doesn't necessarily have to be an end result in sight.  Clearly there's a goal, desire, or purpose, but there doesn't have to be instant perfection or achievement. 

This way of thinking has applications that I need right now.  I want to remember the journey matters, not just the destination.  I want to experience all the joy I possibly can now instead of thinking, "I will be happy when..."  I have experienced reaching goals that I thought would make me happy, but even though I was pleased and proud of myself, once I reached them I wasn't instantly transformed into a happy person. 

I've thought to apply this to healthy living.  I have a few pounds to lose.  I have reached weight goals before and still felt unhappy with myself.  Instead, I can focus on being healthy now, on making healthy choices every day, and being happy with myself now rather than focusing on that ideal weight. In this way, I will naturally improve my health.  Diets tend to be external manifestations of external controls.  Once the external control goes away the pounds return.  Lasting healthy living requires internal control and manifests itself with both internal and external results.  If I am being healthy and making healthy choices I am practicing internal control.

The "I will be happy when..." mentality doesn't work.  If I'm going to be happy or healthy or learning something or becoming something, I need to do it today.

Therapy Walking

My husband and I have helpful conversations on our walks sometimes.  I'm not sure he's getting enough exercise, but it's definitely worth it to me.  This morning, we were talking about achieving big things in life.  We talked about how you have to really want something, to dream, to have vision, to have a passion for something in order to accomplish it. 

I often let fear of failure get in my way. 

I told him, "Some things seem too big, too overwhelming, and difficult."

He said, "But that's not focusing on the white line." 

It was a gentle reminder of a story I tell every once in a while that taught me not to focus on bad things that could happen.  The story:

I failed my driver's license test just before taking a road trip across the United States from Utah to Virginia.  What a confidence shaker.  My grandmother, sister, and I were going to help with my cousin's wedding.  I had a learner's permit and my family felt it would be good for me to practice driving during the long trip; it would also give the other drivers a break.  I was not eager to drive.  My grandmother and sister drove through Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, and most of Iowa.  Most of the roads were broad, even boring.  "Even you could handle this," they said.

Finally, when Grandma and my sister were exhausted, I was willing to take a turn.  I sat behind the wheel just as we were leaving Iowa.  Unfortunately, there was construction and a lot of traffic just minutes after I started driving.  There was also construction on a bridge crossing the Mississippi into Illinois.  The narrow, normally one-way bridge was temporarily converted into a two-way bridge.  There were cones and barriers everywhere.  The traffic was terrible.  Of course there was no shoulder. We were suspended over the Mississippi and it seemed eternally wide.

I panicked.  There was no way we could switch drivers at that point. 

I told my grandma, "I feel like I'm going to hit an oncoming car.  It feels like I'm heading right toward them, like they're going to crash into me." 

"What are you looking at?  Are you looking at the cars?" Grandma said.

"Yes.  And I'm looking at the yellow lines so I don't cross over and hit someone." 

She yelled, "Stop looking at the cars!  Focus on the white line on your side of the bridge." 

I was shaking.  When I looked at the white line, I felt better. We managed to make it across the bridge.  As soon as we could, we switched drivers.  

The lesson my grandmother taught me stayed with me.  When I focused on the potential to crash and the fear of those oncoming cars, I was sure I was going to hit them.  I probably would have hit them.  When I focused on the white lines, on the place I was supposed to be, I stayed far enough away from the oncoming cars.  And I wasn't so afraid.  It doesn't make sense to focus on failure or bad things that might happen. 

This morning, my husband and I also talked about commitment. When you really want to accomplish something difficult, something that takes a lot of time and effort, commitment can get you through.  Persisting in doing hard things gets boring sometimes.  Sometimes you might not even like what you are doing.  But as long as you are committed to it, as long as you keep doing what it takes to achieve something, you'll succeed. 

So, today I'm thinking about the things I'm committed to.  Once I figure that out, I need to focus on what I really want instead of fearing.

Heroes

My brother John is a real cyclist. He inspires me. John has lived with his family in Virginia for years and has regularly commuted on his bike the thirteen miles into D.C. and back even through wintery months. This Saturday he will be riding 100 miles to raise money for the National MS Society.

In the past, John's daughter has ridden with him on a tandem bike. This year, she's sick, so my nephew is filling in for her. He needs to raise $300 for the ride before Saturday. To see a picture of my nephew and to help, please click here.

Sky Appreciation

I felt inspired at the bathroom window again.  This time, I stood on the throne to avoid the screen at the bottom of the window.  My sad little camera doesn't do it justice.  Maybe you can imagine why I wanted a picture at the lake.  Lakeside property would be nice.

Wild Little Daisies

We saw fields of these on our walk this morning.  Wild or planted, I like them. 

If it hadn't been for the scary hooded guy in the park, we'd have never seen them.  My goal this morning was to take a picture of the sun rising on the lake.  It was a little late for the color I saw from my bathroom window, but I was hoping to see residual prettiness. 

The gates of the park were closed.  A strange, dented van full of grocery bags was parked out front.  The hooded guy was pacing just inside the entrance and looking like he was waiting for someone.  I got the creeps but didn't say anything.  We kept walking toward the gate.  Then my husband said, "He looks kind of scary."  If he thought so too, then we were out of there.  I immediately turned away from the park gates and we ended up walking by the daisy fields instead. 

Sometimes life takes us where we didn't plan to go and we end up somewhere better.

Not only Rain

We were looking out the window, admiring the sky, and thought, Why not go outside? 

If you look very closely, you might be able to see Venus toward the middle of this picture. 

Clouds bring rain and beauty.